How to Love When You Don't Want to...

"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior:

Ask yourself what you want people to do for you;

then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable,

do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that.

If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal?

Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it,

do you think that’s charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return.

You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity

the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously,

even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind."

Luke 6:31-36 MSG

1. Extend grace.  We can all admit that we are at times unlovable; and yet, we all need and want to be loved. The challenge is loving when you don't want to. Perhaps some people in your life make it more difficult to love, or perhaps you're going through a trial and loving others isn't a top priority. Whatever the case may be, not loving someone or showing love to someone can be a temptation. Thank God for grace! "Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT ) . With the grace of God, we can love others even when we don't want to. Extending grace is like extending the hand and heart of God. If He who is perfect in all His ways can still love imperfect me, then I can at least show grace to anyone I come in contact with. It is not an extension of what I am able to do, but an extension of what Christ has already done for me. Everyone has a story, a hurt deep inside, a struggle; so, lean on God's power to help you to love by extending grace even when you don't want to.

2. Forgive anyway. Forgiveness may be the last thing you want to do, especially if someone who is supposed to love you hurt you deeply. But forgiveness is one of the greatest forms of love. Look at what Jesus did for you and me on the cross. "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'" (Luke 23:34 NIV) Many times people don't know what they're doing to you or how they are affecting you. Hurt people hurt people. But love...love is healing, and forgiving is freeing. Forgiveness doesn't okay the wrongdoing, it just allows you to be free from it and it allows God to work in that situation. Forgiveness gives you the power to love when you don't want to.

3. Adjust expectations.  I don't know about you, but when my expectations aren't met, I'm greatly disappointed. And not just when they aren't met, but also if they aren't met to my standards. What can I say? I'm a work in progress. But here's what I've learned about how to love people better: adjust expectations. So often we set expectations based on who we are instead of who someone else is. Adjust expectations, then, on what you know the other person is capable of. This will help you to love that person even when you don't want to. Sure, you can clearly communicate your expectations, but still, you could be setting that person up for failure if that person isn't capable of meeting those said expectations. So, be willing to adjust. And who knows? Maybe that person will exceed your expectations!  "And they exceeded our expectations: They gave themselves first of all to the Lord, and then by the will of God also to us." (2 Corinthians 8:5 NIV)

4. Set boundaries. When God created the garden and set man in it, He gave Adam boundaries. Why? Because He loved Adam and like any good parent, God wanted to protect him. Boundaries not only protect the other person, but they also protect you. Having no boundaries makes it difficult to love someone, especially when that person has no idea of how he/she is affecting your heart. "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4:15 NIV) Having a boundary is speaking truth in love. Saying something like, "When you talk about other people, it affects me. I want to share things with you, but I have a hard time trusting you." Both "truth" and "love" need to be evident in the boundary you set. When boundaries are set, the right people stick around. They'll know how to love you well in return. Boundaries give you the space to love when you don't want to.

5. Ask. Seek. Repeat.  We can't love fully on our own, and we can only give what we have. Therefore, when you are feeling tempted not to love someone, ask for God's help. Seek His amazing love by abiding in Him so that you are overflowing with it and have plenty to give. Repeat as needed. "Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God...No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us." (1 John 4: 7, 12 NLT) Love is who God is and it is who you are since you were made in His image. Give love no matter what, to no matter whom, and no matter how you feel. You will never regret giving love. When you love even if you don't want to, you are more like Jesus.

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other,

for love covers a multitude of sins."

1 Peter 4:8 NLT